Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize