I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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