I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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