The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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