i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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