It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
