the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize