did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
