I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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