I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
