now i know why i became what i already was.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
