I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
