When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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