I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
