So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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