u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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