Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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