He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
