i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
