GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
