I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize