I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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