You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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