Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
