On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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