I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
