Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
