How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
