he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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