Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize