i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
