Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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