So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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