If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
