He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
