smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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