i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I am available for nakedness
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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