I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
