Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
