i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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