Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize