Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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