your parents love me but you hate me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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