So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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