ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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