so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
