Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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