She is in my trunk
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
