It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
