He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
