SEEEEXXX PLEASE
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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