I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
