Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We smell like vodka and hangover
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
