you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
