I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
