I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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