all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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