we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
