worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
