is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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