I accidentally had phone sex last night
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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