I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
