toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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