So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
