gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
