lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
