i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
the raccoons are back...
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