dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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