i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
