I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
