Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize