so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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